No one’s ever lost forever
When they die they go away
But they will visit you occasionally
Do not be afraid
No one’s ever lost forever
They are caught inside your heart
If you garden them and water them
They make you what you are
-Lost by Amanda Palmer and the Grand Theft Orchestra
Hello blog,
I know it has been a while. Life has been challenging, I faced major illness and I lost another loved one. This time a cousin. Last week one of our neighbour’s passed away as well. Having some experience with grief I thought I would share some dos and don’ts that can help someone with loss:
Firstly, be sensitive to the person’s feelings. It should not need to be said, but unfortunately it does, don’t ask excessive questions about the circumstances surrounding the loss. If the person wants to share details they will. This is especially important in the case of a violent death. Curiosity is a huge motivator of human behaviour but check yourself. Don’t ask for details..by doing so you are likely to add to the trauma that they are experiencing. However, if the loved one wants to reminisce let them. You can share memories or just listen to them.
Secondly, offer practical assistance. Death is upsetting, even if it comes after a long illness and carrying on with life can be a challenge. So, offer to help with the grocery shopping/ taking some food and general logistics. If you are willing and able: provide your phone number and answer your phone when they call. If you are not willing or able, then don’t say that they can call at any stage. Be realistic.
Thirdly, remember that grief doesn’t have an expiration date nor a fixed timeline. There is a bit of a societal expectation that after a certain period, one should simply get over the loss of a loved one. And in my experience, it doesn’t work that way. The memories of a loved one are a part of who you are, and strange things will remind you of them.
Love, kindness and grief,
Trisha