Fighting with the shadows in your head
~ John Mayer, Say what you need to say
Every once in a while my black dog comes to visit, not gently lying in the corner, it arrives and demands that I give it constant attention. It gnaws at my soul, telling me persuasive lies. It speaks of worthlessness. It is filled with vitriol juvenile hatred, but so difficult to dismiss.
It’s arguments are superficial and childlike, but that’s what makes it so difficult to refute. The energy to argue with a persistent toddler shouting at the top their lungs: I hate you! You are worthless! Nobody could ever love you!
And so I retreat…keep silent. Dig deeper into my burrow…screaming silently. Afraid of the words that I won’t say. Afraid of the emotions that I am not fully feeling. Afraid of finding the triggers, or worse not finding them. Petrified that one day the black dog will win this fight.