Heavy

Shit, fuck and damn. I thought I had out run my monster this year. I thought that I had managed to escape the demon. I thought I had dodged the bullet of Post Natal Depression.

I don’t think I have. It crept up slowly. Sneakily, quietly piling things on top of me. Now I feel it’s weight. The heaviness of the inadequacy. I feel alone. I feel like I am a bad mother. Like I am going to fuck up my kid for the rest of my life because of having these feelings right now. Because I did not feel bad enough without reading that a mother’s post natal depression can have an impact on their kid into adolescence.

When I can check nearly all the boxes on a quick screening for PND. When my Edinburgh screening score has shot up to 26 out of a possible 30. (This is one test where I would be happy to not ace). When my reaction to my son screening is weariness and not compassion. I am scared. I am petrified that this time the dark will win.

I know that I can get through this. But right now, in the long dark sleepless night. I wonder. So for now, I will cling onto hope where I find it and remember that maybe it is not all hopeless bullshit. (Thanks Allie)

Love and not surrendering,
Trisha

Postscript: I am not okay right now. But I have the advantage of having been on this ride before. I have a great therapist and a pretty solid support structure who will help me work things out. But what I wrote here is also part of my truth, just like having a wonderful kid who I love greatly and a supportive group of family and friends are.

If you are a fellow warrior you might find these links useful:
Post Natal Depression Support South Africa
Postpartum Progress

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
Posted in Mental Health, motherhood | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Just saying “no” should have been enough

Hello Blog,

Today I had an interesting and frustrating encounter. I was walking from the pharmacy to the butchery and a woman stepped into my path. She did so because she wanted to touch my son who I was holding.

When I asked her to not touch I was asked “Why not?”.  When I replied that because my child has the right to as much bodily integrity as anyone else.  This woman was quite indignant that I dared advocate for my child accusing me of being aggressive. (I disputed this, saying that I was being assertive).

Upon reflection I could have handled the situation better, rather than explaining my position that my child and myself are entitled to bodily integrity. I should have simply said because I said no and that is enough of a reason.

This was one of the first times that my parenting ideas has been challenged by a stranger. I know that it will happen again.  I also know that I will not hesitate to protect my child even if it is based on nothing more than an inexplicable split second decision not to let a stranger touch my kid.

Love and venting,
Trisha

 

 

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
Posted in motherhood | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Just a post

Hello Blog,

It’s been a rough couple of days. I thought I was losing a fight with a depressive episode but it turns out that I wasn’t. The exhaustion I was feeling was glandular fever…So I have been woman down for the past couple of days. Today I spent most of the day sleeping, and Lucas spent the day with his Ouma, he also rolled over for the first time.

It’s interesting for me to notice that I am less concerned about seeing Lucas’s firsts and looking more forward to the seconds, but I am loving seeing him develop and growing, the daily bits of struggle and the growth. It is an absolute privilege to see the daily growth the way he is slowly growing into a person.

I am also making a point to be gentle with myself and pay attention to my thoughts. And catch myself when I am being judgemental, it’s difficult but I think I am winning.

Love and discoveries,
Trisha

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
Posted in Random Musing | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Showing Up

Just be you, as beautifully thin-skinned as you always were, because that’s what makes you you. Feel stuff. World needs more thin skin. Eden Riley

I’ll try. The thing is I have no idea who I am, and I have spent most of my life developing a habit of creating an armoury. An armoury shell which does not need to be in place. A shell which has become a cage, a shell that constantly tells me to pull back. But the thing is, I don’t believe that I want to pull back that I want to live in fear.

When I was in my final year of high school our film study was Strictly Ballroom, and it became a bit of a joke to constantly throw around some quotes from the film: “Show me your Paso Doble” was one which had any meaning from actually showing up and being vulnerable or more frequently as an expression used to distract the questioner from the original idea. The other one was “A life lived in fear is a life half lived”. My reality is I live with an anxiety disorder, which makes me generally anxious about fucking everything.

So here I am. Figuring out what this all means, right now I am feeling completely clueless about everything and going that this is okay. If I were to honestly answer you about what my definition of success is, I would say I don’t know. But I do know that at least part of my answer would include showing up and being seen (ala Brene Brown in Daring Greatly).

Right now, being seeing is just slowly opening up. I was privileged enough to be part of a mother’s birthing circle and we had the space to just be our imperfect selves, so right now I am accepting a challenge that was not thrown down so much as flippantly thrown out.

I have no idea where the ride is going to go, but I do know that it is going to be interesting, and it’s not going to be for everyone. And that’s okay. I will be doing my best to just be me…not perfect and polished but the true version of me. The one who is lying on an unmade bed with her baby on the play gym, grumpy because she has a friggen stomach ache again, exhausted from a rough week with a screaming baby last week, but who is still showing up in her life.

Love and being vulnerable,
Trisha

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
Posted in Random Musing | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Computer Science and Parenting

Hello computer,

I am a new mom and recently have started mucking about with some computer science concepts and I have come to the conclusion that there is a level of similarities between the two.

Firstly, both of them involve a great deal of repetitive tasks (loops).

Secondly, they both involve a level of debugging. (This is particularly urgent and important when my son is screaming is head off, or emitting mood error messages). The debugging process in both cases involves binary decision trees.

Perhaps the most important similarity is that both of them involve a great deal of not giving up.

Love and connections,
Trisha

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
Posted in Random Musing | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

You would have been sixty today

Dear mom,

It’s strange. When people told me that there were things that I would not understand about our relationship and the intensity of your feelings towards me until I became a mother I thought that they were talking the biggest load of hogwash. I was so wrong.

There is a different level of reflection and understanding now that I am a mom. I have a new appreciation for the things that you taught me, so subtly that I never even realized that I was being taught. You fostered an enthuisasm for reading and nature that is deeply ingrained.

This would have been your first birthday as a granny. Your grandson has your ears, and sometimes your colour eyes.

I guess this is part thank you note, part birthday wish.

I hope you are happy on your cloud and are visiting lots of people.

Love,
Patricia

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
Posted in motherhood, Random Musing | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Fighting the good fight

Hello blog,

The other day Robin Williams tragically lost his fight with depression. The thing is I don’t believe he gave up, just that he lost a battle and this battle was for his life.

Their are two great truths that I have discovered about depression — firstly, it sucks, literally. It drains the life and energy and vitality out of you. And even though you know that the things that you are battling with (getting into the shower, getting dressed, eating, doing some basic work, connecting with friends, etc.) are not really hugely arduous tasks, in that constant series of moments they are.  The other great truth is that depression lies, and its gremlins twist events into the worst possible light. The words that your loved ones say get twisted into you like a knife, laughter becomes sinister and targeted at you instead of joyful and innocent.

But the thing is sometimes we get through the fight, and we have allies. And it is okay to say I am not okay.

Love and fighting,
Trisha

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
Posted in Mental Health | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Hello blog

It’s been a while. A great deal has happened, I have become a mother to a gorgeous little boy and life has been busy.

The thing is the longer I don’t blog the more intimidating it becomes, and a formerly safe space becomes frightening where I am afraid to use my own voice. And in a great sense of cosmic irony that although I have literally created a life and am creating an amazing nourishing substance I am feeling completely uncreative. And so, I am just starting with the smallest possible step…one eensy post, without great philosophy. Just my voice overcoming resistance and just posting.

I am hoping to be back soon.

Love and creation,
Trisha

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
Posted in Random Musing | Tagged | Leave a comment

A new year’s wish for 2014

Each person whoever was or is or will be has a song. It isn’t a song that anybody else wrote. It has its own melody, its own words. Very few people get to sing their own song. Most of us fear that we cannot do it justice with our voices, or that our words are too foolish or too honest, or too odd. So people live their songs instead.

Anansi boys by Neil Gaiman

My wish for all of us in this coming year is that we are able to sing our own song, to make the beautiful music that only we can make. The music that we make simply by living our lives, to acknowledge our fear and our darkness and simply sing.

Love and new year’s wishes,
Trisha

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
Posted in Random Musing | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

A Blessing by John O’Donohue

May the light of your soul guide you
May the light of your soul bless the work you do with the secret love and warmth of your heart.
May you see in what you do the beauty of your own soul.
May the sacredness of your work bring healing, light and renewal to those who work with you and to those who see and receive your work.
May your work never weary you.
May it release within you wellsprings of refreshment, inspiration and excitement.
May you be present in what you do.
May you never become lost in the bland absences.
May the day never burden.
May dawn find you awake and alert, approaching your new day with dreams, possibilities and promises.
May evening find you gracious and fulfilled.
May you go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.
May your soul calm, console and renew you.

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
Posted in Reading | Tagged , | Leave a comment