Just a post

Hello Blog,

It’s been a rough couple of days. I thought I was losing a fight with a depressive episode but it turns out that I wasn’t. The exhaustion I was feeling was glandular fever…So I have been woman down for the past couple of days. Today I spent most of the day sleeping, and Lucas spent the day with his Ouma, he also rolled over for the first time.

It’s interesting for me to notice that I am less concerned about seeing Lucas’s firsts and looking more forward to the seconds, but I am loving seeing him develop and growing, the daily bits of struggle and the growth. It is an absolute privilege to see the daily growth the way he is slowly growing into a person.

I am also making a point to be gentle with myself and pay attention to my thoughts. And catch myself when I am being judgemental, it’s difficult but I think I am winning.

Love and discoveries,
Trisha

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Showing Up

Just be you, as beautifully thin-skinned as you always were, because that’s what makes you you. Feel stuff. World needs more thin skin. Eden Riley

I’ll try. The thing is I have no idea who I am, and I have spent most of my life developing a habit of creating an armoury. An armoury shell which does not need to be in place. A shell which has become a cage, a shell that constantly tells me to pull back. But the thing is, I don’t believe that I want to pull back that I want to live in fear.

When I was in my final year of high school our film study was Strictly Ballroom, and it became a bit of a joke to constantly throw around some quotes from the film: “Show me your Paso Doble” was one which had any meaning from actually showing up and being vulnerable or more frequently as an expression used to distract the questioner from the original idea. The other one was “A life lived in fear is a life half lived”. My reality is I live with an anxiety disorder, which makes me generally anxious about fucking everything.

So here I am. Figuring out what this all means, right now I am feeling completely clueless about everything and going that this is okay. If I were to honestly answer you about what my definition of success is, I would say I don’t know. But I do know that at least part of my answer would include showing up and being seen (ala Brene Brown in Daring Greatly).

Right now, being seeing is just slowly opening up. I was privileged enough to be part of a mother’s birthing circle and we had the space to just be our imperfect selves, so right now I am accepting a challenge that was not thrown down so much as flippantly thrown out.

I have no idea where the ride is going to go, but I do know that it is going to be interesting, and it’s not going to be for everyone. And that’s okay. I will be doing my best to just be me…not perfect and polished but the true version of me. The one who is lying on an unmade bed with her baby on the play gym, grumpy because she has a friggen stomach ache again, exhausted from a rough week with a screaming baby last week, but who is still showing up in her life.

Love and being vulnerable,
Trisha

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Computer Science and Parenting

Hello computer,

I am a new mom and recently have started mucking about with some computer science concepts and I have come to the conclusion that there is a level of similarities between the two.

Firstly, both of them involve a great deal of repetitive tasks (loops).

Secondly, they both involve a level of debugging. (This is particularly urgent and important when my son is screaming is head off, or emitting mood error messages). The debugging process in both cases involves binary decision trees.

Perhaps the most important similarity is that both of them involve a great deal of not giving up.

Love and connections,
Trisha

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You would have been sixty today

Dear mom,

It’s strange. When people told me that there were things that I would not understand about our relationship and the intensity of your feelings towards me until I became a mother I thought that they were talking the biggest load of hogwash. I was so wrong.

There is a different level of reflection and understanding now that I am a mom. I have a new appreciation for the things that you taught me, so subtly that I never even realized that I was being taught. You fostered an enthuisasm for reading and nature that is deeply ingrained.

This would have been your first birthday as a granny. Your grandson has your ears, and sometimes your colour eyes.

I guess this is part thank you note, part birthday wish.

I hope you are happy on your cloud and are visiting lots of people.

Love,
Patricia

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Fighting the good fight

Hello blog,

The other day Robin Williams tragically lost his fight with depression. The thing is I don’t believe he gave up, just that he lost a battle and this battle was for his life.

Their are two great truths that I have discovered about depression — firstly, it sucks, literally. It drains the life and energy and vitality out of you. And even though you know that the things that you are battling with (getting into the shower, getting dressed, eating, doing some basic work, connecting with friends, etc.) are not really hugely arduous tasks, in that constant series of moments they are.  The other great truth is that depression lies, and its gremlins twist events into the worst possible light. The words that your loved ones say get twisted into you like a knife, laughter becomes sinister and targeted at you instead of joyful and innocent.

But the thing is sometimes we get through the fight, and we have allies. And it is okay to say I am not okay.

Love and fighting,
Trisha

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Hello blog

It’s been a while. A great deal has happened, I have become a mother to a gorgeous little boy and life has been busy.

The thing is the longer I don’t blog the more intimidating it becomes, and a formerly safe space becomes frightening where I am afraid to use my own voice. And in a great sense of cosmic irony that although I have literally created a life and am creating an amazing nourishing substance I am feeling completely uncreative. And so, I am just starting with the smallest possible step…one eensy post, without great philosophy. Just my voice overcoming resistance and just posting.

I am hoping to be back soon.

Love and creation,
Trisha

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A new year’s wish for 2014

Each person whoever was or is or will be has a song. It isn’t a song that anybody else wrote. It has its own melody, its own words. Very few people get to sing their own song. Most of us fear that we cannot do it justice with our voices, or that our words are too foolish or too honest, or too odd. So people live their songs instead.

Anansi boys by Neil Gaiman

My wish for all of us in this coming year is that we are able to sing our own song, to make the beautiful music that only we can make. The music that we make simply by living our lives, to acknowledge our fear and our darkness and simply sing.

Love and new year’s wishes,
Trisha

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A Blessing by John O’Donohue

May the light of your soul guide you
May the light of your soul bless the work you do with the secret love and warmth of your heart.
May you see in what you do the beauty of your own soul.
May the sacredness of your work bring healing, light and renewal to those who work with you and to those who see and receive your work.
May your work never weary you.
May it release within you wellsprings of refreshment, inspiration and excitement.
May you be present in what you do.
May you never become lost in the bland absences.
May the day never burden.
May dawn find you awake and alert, approaching your new day with dreams, possibilities and promises.
May evening find you gracious and fulfilled.
May you go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.
May your soul calm, console and renew you.

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Fear

One of the interesting things about living with a mental illness is that in order to survive you become more aware of the world around you. And one of the things that I have been noticing a great deal over the last while, is how we are encouraged to be completely and totally frightened. To believe that the world is out to get you, and filled with terror and danger.

We are encouraged to play it small. We are taught that mistakes are dangerous and we should avoid making them at all costs. That people are dangerous and mean.

One of the blessings of living with my anxiety disorder is that I reflect on the danger I see, and the things that make me afraid, and for the most part I have been able to see that all of this fear-mongering is absolute rubbish.

For the most part, the fear is simply encouraging us to play it small. Instead of to look at how things actually are.

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Living with Depression: Some of my coping tips

Hello,

Firstly to all of you who have sent love and support after my previous blog post, thank you very much. It is appreciated, and I know it is incredibly hard just standing by, wanting to be able to make it better and not being able to.

I am still in the midst of some dark times in my head, but I thought I would share some of my coping tricks for dealing with a major depressive episode.  (These are things that work for me, your mileage may vary).

  1. Have a checklist of essential, achievable goals that you can mark off as having done. I have found that having the list of things to do takes away that mental strain of thinking what must I do next. My current checklist has 8 things on it:
    1. Get up before 9 a.m
    2. Make the bed
    3. Take meds
    4. Bath
    5. Brush teeth
    6. Eat a healthy breakfast
    7. Get 15 minutes of exercise
    8. Do 2 pomodoros of work.The thing about that list is it also has some tasks on it that help manage depression, eating healthily (you’ll note that I’ve not said to eat only healthy food, I have given myself a super-achievable goal of eating one healthy meal a day, any thing above that is gravy) and getting some exercise as well as making sure some personal management is attended.

      This is a pretty extreme list, it is for when I am in the midst of a major depressive episode but the most important criteria for me is that the list is:

      1. manageable (less than 10 items)
      2. consists of achievable, unambiguous goals
      3. helps.
  2. Have a support system: In my case my support system consists of my husband and my family and friends (including those on the internet). What support I ask for depends. Sometimes, it’s being able to message a close mate on Facebook, other times it is being able to go and eat supper away from home (which has two bonuses: getting out the house, and not having to worry about what to cook.)
  3. Have a mental health team:My mental health team consists of myself, my psychologist, my psychiatrist and on one occasion an emergency counsellor.  (For most people, it also includes their G.P. and I am sure when I find a G.P it will, but for now, I don’t have G.P and so my team does not include one). These folks are able to help me deal with some of the darker sides of the mental illness. I am a huge fan of both talk therapy and medication.A note about medication:  It should make you feel well not just better, and if you are having more bad days than good days, it needs to be adjusted or changed (speak to your mental health team or G.P)

So, these are some of the things that help me, and I figured I would share because depression is hard, and other people sharing their tricks have helped me.

Love and beating back the monsters in my head,
Trisha

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