May the light of your soul guide you
May the light of your soul bless the work you do with the secret love and warmth of your heart.
May you see in what you do the beauty of your own soul.
May the sacredness of your work bring healing, light and renewal to those who work with you and to those who see and receive your work.
May your work never weary you.
May it release within you wellsprings of refreshment, inspiration and excitement.
May you be present in what you do.
May you never become lost in the bland absences.
May the day never burden.
May dawn find you awake and alert, approaching your new day with dreams, possibilities and promises.
May evening find you gracious and fulfilled.
May you go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.
May your soul calm, console and renew you.
One of the interesting things about living with a mental illness is that in order to survive you become more aware of the world around you. And one of the things that I have been noticing a great deal over the last while, is how we are encouraged to be completely and totally frightened. To believe that the world is out to get you, and filled with terror and danger.
We are encouraged to play it small. We are taught that mistakes are dangerous and we should avoid making them at all costs. That people are dangerous and mean.
One of the blessings of living with my anxiety disorder is that I reflect on the danger I see, and the things that make me afraid, and for the most part I have been able to see that all of this fear-mongering is absolute rubbish.
For the most part, the fear is simply encouraging us to play it small. Instead of to look at how things actually are.
Firstly to all of you who have sent love and support after my previous blog post, thank you very much. It is appreciated, and I know it is incredibly hard just standing by, wanting to be able to make it better and not being able to.
I am still in the midst of some dark times in my head, but I thought I would share some of my coping tricks for dealing with a major depressive episode. (These are things that work for me, your mileage may vary).
- Have a checklist of essential, achievable goals that you can mark off as having done. I have found that having the list of things to do takes away that mental strain of thinking what must I do next. My current checklist has 8 things on it:
- Get up before 9 a.m
- Make the bed
- Take meds
- Brush teeth
- Eat a healthy breakfast
- Get 15 minutes of exercise
- Do 2 pomodoros of work.The thing about that list is it also has some tasks on it that help manage depression, eating healthily (you’ll note that I’ve not said to eat only healthy food, I have given myself a super-achievable goal of eating one healthy meal a day, any thing above that is gravy) and getting some exercise as well as making sure some personal management is attended.
This is a pretty extreme list, it is for when I am in the midst of a major depressive episode but the most important criteria for me is that the list is:
- manageable (less than 10 items)
- consists of achievable, unambiguous goals
- Have a support system: In my case my support system consists of my husband and my family and friends (including those on the internet). What support I ask for depends. Sometimes, it’s being able to message a close mate on Facebook, other times it is being able to go and eat supper away from home (which has two bonuses: getting out the house, and not having to worry about what to cook.)
- Have a mental health team:My mental health team consists of myself, my psychologist, my psychiatrist and on one occasion an emergency counsellor. (For most people, it also includes their G.P. and I am sure when I find a G.P it will, but for now, I don’t have G.P and so my team does not include one). These folks are able to help me deal with some of the darker sides of the mental illness. I am a huge fan of both talk therapy and medication.A note about medication: It should make you feel well not just better, and if you are having more bad days than good days, it needs to be adjusted or changed (speak to your mental health team or G.P)
So, these are some of the things that help me, and I figured I would share because depression is hard, and other people sharing their tricks have helped me.
Love and beating back the monsters in my head,
I have done something stupid for the past week, and I have no idea why. I stopped my meds. Which is a stupid, stupid thing to do. And by stopping them, I managed to give my demons a gap. A gap which allowed them to creep in and decrease the quality of my life, to make me into an irritable, unproductive bitchy unpleasant person.
One of the seriously sucky things about depression is that no matter how much you try to keep it in, keep it contained it’s effects spill over to other people in your life. The grumpiness and irritability and irrationality all increase and multiply.
Small chores that ordinarily take no effort begin to weigh you down and take a huge amount of effort, completely disproportional to the magnitude of the task. Your thoughts slow down, and every little decision begins to be second guessed, and you begin to believe the lies that the demons tell you.
This morning it was an effort to take my medication, it took me the better part of half an hour to get up and get some water to take one teeny tablet. But I won, I took the drugs. I know that this storm will pass.
The advantage of being a depression veteran, is that I know some tricks, and I know that even though this is a dark and bleak place, I won’t be here for ever.
Love and surviving,
When I opened my email this morning and I saw the question:
posed by one of Medium’s writers, Alexandra Lange, I answered immediately an unequivocally yes.
I don’t know when I started to enjoy baking. I have always been fond of sweet things, and that evolved into me becoming the family’s dessert chef. This weekend, I baked a birthday cake for one of my aunts. A death by chocolate delight: a chocolate and orange layer cake, with a chocolate mouse and chocolate ganache filling, frosted with the chocolate ganache. It did not look amazing – I still want to master the art of icing, but for now I am proud to say that my cakes are delicious.
The thing that makes a cake art, even if you are following a recipe along, is the risk and vulnerability. The fact that you are putting a part of your soul into something that you are going to share with the world.
Art is not in the eye of the beholder or the critic, it is in the process that is created. Even if the process is guided by the works of someone that has come before.
It’s been a bit longer than usual since the last week that was. Riaan and I had the opportunity to go up to the Waterberg for a long weekend, and then life happened. But, that is the past. So here’s what I found on the internet lately that has gotten reaction from me:
- It’s not a cry for help – you are a fighter asking for a stick refusing to back down.
- Some reflections on what life has taught a person in their seventies.
- Chances are if you know ten women at least one of them has survived a rape. This is an article that may help them, it is written by a survivor and tells of her experiences of sex after rape. (Trigger warning: rape)
- Seriously, you want women to walk around carrying their dead babies? You idiot! Trigger alert: Abortion and the worst of “pro-life” stupidity.
- Enough ranty bad stuff: Here’s a nice feel good story about an eighteen year old looking out for an eight year old. This one can be filed under things homegrown things that make me happy.
- I also discovered a new musician, Lily Kershaw.
Love and the week that was,
This past week has had me on the internet less than usual, I ended up dealing with kitchen disasters and running around doing lots of admin.
This did not mean that I did not see anything that was worthwhile on the internet:
- This is an absolutely brilliant article about the problem with the Fifty Shades Trilogy. Any form of sexual contact requires trust and intimacy, and communication all of which are lacking in 50 Shades.
- I also read an excellent article about some thoughts on stopping rape. The bottom line is that rape, is never, ever the victim’s fault. No matter what! No ifs, no buts, no maybes.
- Since we seem to be on the topic of sex and consent, do yourselves a favour and learn about the “Only yes means yes” movement. This article about the Steubenville rape case is a good start about why it is necessary.
Departing from the theme of sex and consent, this I read a brilliant little story about Heisenberg’s Cats, it was just what my geek heart needed and it is great fun. You should read it.
I think this is true of a number of professions, and the final piece of advice is priceless: Respect the work of those who have come before you.
Love and reflections,
One of the first things that my therapist had me monitor and amend my behaviour about was negative self-talk. You know exactly what I mean. The many times throughout the day where you call yourself names – ranging from stupid to clumsy.
We are remarkably unkind to ourselves, and it is a habit that we pass on to other people. One way to counteract it, after you have become aware of it, is to compliment yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong about taking a moment to reflect and be proud of your achievement.
Valuing yourself does not devalue anyone else.
Because Postcards are important. All I get in the mail anymore are Christmas cards and wedding invitations — beautiful traditional things, but nothing casual, nothing quick. It’s time for someone to step up and start these little post-it style missives circulating.
Mission accepted. Unfortunately I will not be able to directly participate in Marian’s cross country mail service (being on an entirely different continent).
But I can be inspired by her idea, and kick my bad correspondence habit in the posterior. So here is the deal. Drop me your postal address in the comments (if you don’t want it published just say so, I have moderation on so I’ll be able to edit it out) and I’ll send you a post card. Sometime in the future.
Love and post cards,