You are planning on natural birth – you are so brave!

That was quite a frequent response when people found out that I was not planning on having a cesearean birth but planning on letting nature taking its course. It seemed that the main reason that people believed I was brave was because of the perception that natural childbirth is painful. I can’t comment on whether or not that is true, from people who I have spoken to it seems to be. What I can tell you is that a cesearean birth may be pain free but the recovery is anything but that. You see while we had planned on  a natural birth, Lucas had other ideas and so we ended up having an emergency ceasar early on a Monday morning in May last year.

I still experience twinges around my incision site, especially when I am tired, and not being able to drive for six weeks was rather logistical.

I did still have a beautiful birth, and I am glad that I got to experience some of my labour…and yes, it was well named.

But I wonder about all of the messages that we get told about giving birth…that it is scary and dark and traumatic, rather than something powerful and beautiful. And it is only a very small part of our journey.

I saw a post on Facebook the other day saying, don’t fear childbirth — they can give you drugs for that. There are no drugs for parenthood, and that is also true.

Love and a random musing,

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World Suicide Prevention Day

Hello blog,

Today is an important day, not only because of the important announcement that is being made about a new discovery at Maropeng, that there are new people that we are recognizing as being part of our communal family tree.

It is international please don’t give up day.  It’s international you really do matter day. I promise you matter.

Suicide is messy.  Do you want to know how messy the aftermath is, read:

Everything you read on this blog exists because I did not kill myself, twice. I have come close. Oh, I have come close…and having done some time in the inquest court I would have probably successfully suicided, and I would have left behind a huge mess of feelings of doubt and hurt. Suicide is a selfish act, but it is not a rational act…In that space you are not able to think about what you are considering.  In fact my life was saved by someone else blogging.

I know depression lies. Depression is a brilliant liar and incredibly good at blowing things out of proportion.

Please don’t give up. The world won’t be better off without you. We would rather have a broken, damaged, hurting you, than no version of you. If you can:

Imagine if everything is going to be ok after all. That’d be cool. Way cool.

Love and staying alive,


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Wacky Wednesday: A Day in the Life of Trisha and Lucas

Life with a toddler is completely and totally insane, but also completely and totally blessed. Yesterday was a slightly more chaotic and unproductive day (business wise – I did not do anything that I wanted to get done, done.) But it was a day filled with memories and fun.

We got up early, the single biggest drawback of being a single car household is that when I need the car I have to take Riaan into work, and he is working some crazy hours at the moment…so we left before 6. When I moved into the driver’s seat, Lucas gestured that he wanted to get out. I thought that he was after some milk, but actually he just wanted to explore around the car: checking out the indicator lever, the safety belt, the handbrake, the locks, the keys in the ignition. Since we did not need to be anywhere in a hurry I let him explore, which made a number of people walking into the building smile. There is something magical about a toddler’s smile.

We came home. I made a delicious quiche in a mug for breakfast. (How did I not know about microwave cooking in a mug before Tuesday? — I used the recipe from Full Thyme Student). Lucas shared some of my quiche and had half a banana.

After playtime and story time, where I made the connection about why one of the words in Lucas’s vocabulary is hat (One of his favourite stories is Hamilton’s Hats by Marthie Osbourne) we headed out to start the day. We started at the computer store where I was hoping that I would be able to get a cable for my external drive and that this would prove to be the problem in the computer not reading it. (Part one of the mission getting a cable successful — And I got absolutely amazing service, as always, from Matrix Warehouse at Retail Crossing. Part two: getting the computer to actually read the drive unsuccessful. Now I am not sure whether this is a problem with the actual drive or with the drivers since I am now using Windows 10…I will keep on hoping.) I can’t remember if I said goodbye to the lovely people at the shop…before going to the next shop where I needed to buy some more mugs. This proved to be a very good purchase since I broke yet another mug when we eventually got home last night.

After that it was off to therapy…where my therapist and I had a different time for my appointment which meant that Lucas and I had some time to just be…so some more playtime in a different setting.

After therapy, I made a spur of the moment call to my aunt to find out if she was up for a visit, and she was. So we took a trip through to the northern suburbs and we had a lovely lunch. Lucas had yet more playtime (traveling toybags are the best thing ever!). Then it was time to go and do the grocery shopping…where I was really hoping to get a mom and tot parking but selfish bastards without children were hogging them!

Grocery shopping with a toddler is a completely different experience to shopping without one…and there is a conspiracy of knowing smiles among fellow parents. I managed to get most of the shopping done with very little fuss. YAY! But the trip was slightly longer than Lucas would have preferred and so he was getting quite niggly but thankfully water and a banana (God’s gift to mothers those things) managed to get him to calm down.

Then it was back to Sandton to pick up Riaan and pick up eggs from a different shop on the way home. (I could not bring myself to pay more than R2 an egg: note to self — find out about the logistics of keeping chickens. Since clearly 2 dogs, 2 cats and an uncountable number of fish is not enough of a challenge :) ).

Then it was time for dinner and bed.  (Yes, I was a bad mother and did not bath Lucas since he passed out in the car).

Love and mothering chaos,

As if any further proof was needed of the chaos of motherhood – I started this post on Thursday morning, finished it on Saturday night before finally being able to post on Sunday. Life is crazy, but that does not mean it is not good.

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Controversial breastfeeding?

I know that I live on my own little planet and that I am careful about what I allow to come into my orbit. (I decided to make my mental health a priority and hence I am careful about what I expose myself too…especially if I am unable to change anything about the situation).

But, why on earth is breastfeeding considered a hot topic? It’s one way to feed a baby. I personally love the convenience of breastfeeding and am incredibly grateful for how smooth  a journey Lucas and I have had. (I am typing this post as he is having a nap and a feed)… But seriously.

There are far more important things that should be regarded as hot topics…the state of our healthcare system, the corruption that is rife in our society,  climate change.

People it is just feeding a baby…and fed babies are a good thing.

Love and bewilderment,

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Dear Ms Msimang, I disagree

I did not attend the Ruth First lecture at Wits this past Monday, and my commentary is based solely on this extract below.

White Privilege is real and it needs to fall

The existence of white privilege is one that is highly contested – usually by those who benefit from it but, Msimang said South Africa: The Rainbow Nation Is a Lie, and Other Lessons From the 2015 Ruth First Lecture

I agree that white privilege is real but I disagree that it needs to fall. The key aspects that I identify as being among white privilege are:

  • The fact that my family and I live in solid structually sound houses,
  • The fact that we all have access to high-quality healthcare,
  • The fact that we do not go to bed hungry,
  • The fact that we all have access to clean potable water,
  • The fact that we all have access to the Internet and the amazing opportunities that it provides,
  • The fact that we are in a position to fight back if our rights are violated.

These privileges should not fall away from people based on their ethnicity, but we need to rather ensure that these privileges become the norm for all people in South Africa.

In addition we need to ensure that we all find away to live in a country where we feel safe and that we belong. I don’t know how we are going to do that. Over 350 years of history of oppression and dehumanization cannot be easily undone, and we need to be careful not to deny the experience of people that we have not yet had.

I have had better opportunities because I am white, I do not want those opportunities to be taken away from anyone, I would much rather see them extended to everyone.

Love and difficult politics,


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Saying Something

Just the fact that the call to speak went out over a month ago and I have been able to continue on my life largely unaffected speaks volumes about my privilege.

South Africa is hugely schizophrenic around race relations. We all tiptoe about it. We use cries of racism to divert from real issues. We pretend that race does not matter. We pretend to be unaffected.

But the truth is we are all affected. Hatred poisons us all. Racism is institutionalized hatred.

The biggest problem with racism is that it diminishes humanity. It reduces people to the other, and justifies reprehensible behaviour.

I wish that I could be more eloquent and make a more compelling argument. But it is something is so wrong that I really cannot begin to express myself on the issue. Perhaps it is because I am in a position of privilege. As a hetrosexual cisgender white female I am still close to the top of the privilege chain. (Yes, even with affirmative action and black economic empowerment).

So, I cannot truly understand what it is like to be on the other end of the spectrum. And I cannot make assumptions. I can’t imagine what it is like, but I can speak when I see something that is not right. I might not be able to speak eloquently, but I can speak.

But I can tell you this: Prejudice is never cool. If you see prejudice in action…don’t turn a blind eye. Say something.

Love and speaking,

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I feed my baby in public

breastfeedingI am one of those women who breast feed in public. I never got the hang of using a sling to feed my baby and quite frankly I tried putting his head under a blanket once at home…he hated it. Now that his older he may have a different opinion and believe that the blanket is fun to play peek-a-boo with.

I happen to have a healthy level of self respect and none of my family or in-laws have ever mentioned having a problem with me feeding my child around them. In fact my family encouraged me to breastfeed with them around.

If I needed to slink off into the shadows to feed my child I doubt that I would have continued breastfeeding as long as I have.

There was an interesting kerfuffle on Facebook the other day about breastfeeding in public and the main arguments were:

  • breastfeeding in public is the same as having a bowel movement in public
  • breastfeeding in public is the same as having sex in public
  • breasts are sexual and therefore breastfeeding is sexual
  • it makes some people uncomfortable and if mothers do need to breastfeed they should slink off to the bathroom and do it or use a cover

This attack on breastfeeding upset me quite badly, and Riaan gave me a beautiful perspective. He turned around and said that unless the person literally consumes all over their food and liquid either in the bathroom or with their head under a blanket they have no room to talk.

And it all fell into place for me, I breastfeed in public because I eat and drink in public and don’t see why things should be any different for my child.

Love and controversy,


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I am still here

Trigger warning: Suicide

This post has been buzzing around in my subconscious for a while now. I finally wrote it after reading Tim Ferris’s post: Some practical thoughts on suicide


Once upon a time, some years ago. I nearly killed myself. Actually, I lie. It was not once upon a time. There were two occasions where I nearly ended my own life. The circumstances around each incident do not matter.

In both cases, the gremlins who live in my mind, had taken comments and twisted them. Some of the words were nasty and ill-meaning. Others were well intentioned but incredibly inconsidered, especially to someone who was battling with depression…obviously but silently. I believed that the world would be a better place without me, that I was stealing oxygen and I was unworthy of life.

In both cases, I was saved. The first time, someone asked me why I was googling “How to kill myself”, and made me promise to stay alive a couple more hours. The next time I read an incredibly personal account that someone had written about their partner’s suicide. That post, seems to have inoculated me.

The thing is, all of the small things that were going on that grew into a big snowball meant that the gremlins caught hold.

I am now aware of them, and I can generally keep them at bay.  I have gotten better at fighting the good fight.

Powerful weapons in my arsenal are the Therapeutic Lifestyle Techniques:

  1. Diet and nutrition
    Eating fresh real food makes a huge difference.
  2. Exercise
    30 minutes of high intensity exercise a day works wonders.
  3. Relaxation and meditation
    Practicing being is challenging but incredibly powerful. A good beginners mantra is to focus on repeating “I am enough” without actually thinking about it.
  4. Recreation and enjoyable activities
    In the depth of a depressive episode this is surprisingly difficult…keep at it.
  5. Relationships
    “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage…”
    – Lao Tzu

    People matter, and depression lies and tries to convince you that no one cares about you. But I promise someone does care, and you never know what a difference your presence will make one day.
  6. Spiritual pursuitsI love Brene Brown’s definition of spirituality in the Gifts of Imperfection, which talks about the fact that spirituality is about recognizing our common humanity, and the fact that we are all in this together.

    “Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.”

  7. Time outdoors and in nature
    I find this one to be the easiest and most effective tool, and is an advantage of living in sunny South Africa and in an area surrounded with trees.
  8. Contribution
    I struggle with this one, my gremlins know that there is power in harnessing the world’s obsession with consumption and material wealth.

The thing about these lifestyle changes is that they are small, and that you don’t need to do them all at once, and it is possible to combine them, talking on the phone while walking outside.

Another thing that has helped me is medication. Psychotherapy has also been wonderful, helping me gain additional tools and perspective.

One of the biggest advantages of having come out of the depression closet is that I am able to ask for help, and say that I am not feeling well. It means that other people can remind me that #depressionlies.

Love and staying alive,

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Now we are ONE

Dear Lucas,

Baby Lucas - 2 days oldA year ago you came into the world on your own terms, after being very patient about a slow labour you decided that you wanted out NOW. And so, in the early hours of a Monday morning you were born via an emergency cesarean section. When you were in Karen’s arms you made the most precious mewing sound and melted your dad and my hearts. You were the most amazing and curious little person from the get go.

We started to count your life in hours, (I whispered happy 24-hours to you while we were still staying at Genesis). This year has been a roller coaster powered by love, chocolate and maxims (“A crying baby is not a dying baby”, and “This too shall pass”).

As we were walking in the garden earlier today I was thinking about how many times I have missed my own mother since you have been born, there are so many things that I would love to hear her opinion on.

We have had innumerable precious moments together, and nearly everyday you will fall asleep cuddled in my arms while you feed.

It seems that you have a favourite author. You love the onomatopoeia of Neil Gaiman’s stories — I can recite Chu’s Day from memory for you — but you prefer to change it up by flicking through to the pages where he nearly sneezes. You laughed with delight when I read Fortunately The Milk to you. I love the magic moments of story time with you.

You have started saying words in between your babbles, and are a constant delight. You constantly watch the world and explore. Yesterday, you figured out how to turn on the bath taps, so I can no longer quickly put you in the bath with some toys while I sort out the laundry.

Lucas - Nearly one!While I start the day in clean clothes, I invariably end up covered in sticky, and I would not have it any other way. It has been an amazing adventure, and I am looking forward to many more years with you.


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Have a new dog by Friday

Hello blog,

So last week Tuesday something happened and I felt terrible. I felt like a complete and utter failure. Echo jumped into the playpen with Lucas and he bumped Lucas on the eye and gave him a shiner.

My knee-jerk reaction was that, that was that for the dogs. We needed to find them a new home STAT. The dogs had hurt my baby. I had failed to protect my baby. I felt so ashamed. I had failed as a human mother, my son had been hurt by one of my animals and this hurt could be serious. What if this happened again? I had failed as an animal mother. I had not managed the situation and my animal was able to hurt my son.

I phoned the Labrador Retriever Club’s Rescue person and just got voicemail. I did not hear anything back for the whole afternoon. I phoned again in the evening, and spoke to a charming lady named Ruth, who referred to me to a dog behaviorist named Samantha Walpole. I phoned her and got through to voicemail. So on Wednesday I phoned Samantha again and this time I got through.

Time and Riaan had calmed me down and I was no longer going straight to the option of rehoming the dogs, and I am very grateful for that.

Samantha came through to our house on Tuesday and had a very thorough consultation with us. I had caught the dreaded incident of Echo jumping into the playpen on video. I had been trying to catch some footage of Lucas being cute to send to my sister. Because of this, we had the advantage of being able to get a behaviorist’s perspective on what had happened, and some strategies to handle things differently in the future.

She also gave us a number 0f practical tips on training the dogs, and helped us do some exercises with them. And, while it is an exaggeration to say that they are new dogs there has been an incredible improvement with them and already this week they have stopped jumping on us and are behaving much more calmly.

Love and optimism,

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